A Light in the Distance
by Catherine4
Summary: When real life bursts the secretive bubble of their relationship in a big way, Hailey and Adam have to make a choice. Upzek oneshot.


_I had a very slow day at work today and this one shot came to me. It's worrying me a little how much I'm enjoying Upton and Ruzek on the show and, given how much of a Burzek fan I am/used to be, I'm shocked that I might be coming to ship these two. Just a little bit._

 _This is kind of angsty and it won't be for everyone, but I hope at least some of you guys will like reading it. I would love to hear your feedback._

 _Disclaimer: There are, let's say, some political decisions contained within that not everyone will like. You don't have to agree, but please no hate._

 **A Light in the Distance**

Hailey opened her eyes slowly. The lights were too bright, her head was too foggy and everything hurt. She blinked, trying to make sense of where she was. Her body felt like stone and it was a struggle even to lift her hand. She realised there was a heart rate monitor clipped to her finger. Only then did she become aware of the quiet drone of machines surrounding her and the faraway sound of voices. She sighed deeply. Memories came flooding back.

Someone was asleep in a chair beside her bed, their head resting on top of her blanket. She touched the familiar sandy blonde hair, dishevelled from sleep. She wanted to speak, to call his name, but her mouth was dry.

Adam startled awake at her touch and sat bolt upright, ready for action, but when he saw that Hailey's eyes were open and she was smiling at him weakly, he relaxed. "Hey" he said softly. He leant over her and stroked her hair. "You're awake."

Hailey coughed and Adam took a cup of water from the nightstand, holding the straw to her lips so she could take a sip. After she swallowed the water she felt better, more awake and more like herself. She cupped Adam's face with her hand. "You need a shave" she said, stroking his stubble.

"Yeah, well, I've had other things on my mind" Adam replied. He attempted to turn it into a joke but Hailey could see from the intensity in his eyes just how worried he was. He kissed her lightly on the forehead and sat back down in the plastic chair.

"Do you remember what happened?" he asked tentatively. He wanted to protect her, to ease her back into wakefulness but couldn't ignore the nagging feeling inside him that had been building and building all the time she was unconscious. He needed answers, he had to know.

Hailey watched him and felt sorry for what he must be going through. Where she was, what had happened, she wanted answers herself. But she knew how it must look to Adam. She owed him an explanation, she needed to put things straight.

"There was an explosion" she said finally. "A bomb?"

Adam nodded. The same fear that gripped him when he had first heard Hailey was hurt gripped him anew. "You really scared me Hailey."

There was a cough and Hailey struggled to raise her head. She hadn't noticed Jay asleep in the corner but he was awake now and was at her side before she could greet him. Adam fell silent.

"Welcome back partner." Jay squeezed her shoulder through her gown and grinned his trademark grin, his eyes alight. He didn't need to say aloud how happy he was she was awake, his expression said it all. "How are you feeling?"

Hailey didn't answer, but looked from Jay to Adam and back again, trying to piece together what had happened for her to end up in this bed. "How long was I out?" She asked.

"Three days" Adam said. His voice was strained.

"The doctors said you were lucky. The blast threw you free of the building. It could have been a lot worse." Jay spoke with confidence and reassurance as Adam shrank into himself and grew quiet. Jay looked up at his friend who had turned his head away to gather himself. "I'll go and tell the nurses you're awake" he said. "You two need to talk." He left the room, closing the door behind him with a quiet click.

"How bad was it? Was anybody hurt?" Hailey tried to sit up but Adam gently pushed her back down.

"Take it easy" he said.

"Adam, tell me." She looked at him with urgency.

His face told him the answers she feared but he spoke anyway, sensing she needed concrete confirmation. "Four people died" he said. "Thank god you weren't one of them."

"What happened to me?" Hailey asked. "I was thrown free?"

Adam nodded. "Yes, but you were hit by flying debris and knocked unconscious. The neuro guy said you had a pretty severe inter-cranial bleed they had to repair. They left you sedated after the op to give your brain a chance to heal." She'd had an operation? Brain surgery? Hailey couldn't wrap her head around it. "The surgeon will explain more when you're stronger" Adam continued. His voice was soothing. "Don't worry about that now."

Finally they were both calm and quiet. They locked eyes and Hailey took a deep breath. She needed to explain and Adam was looking at her eager for answers but afraid of what they might be. Hailey opened her mouth to speak but the words wouldn't come.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Adam said. He wanted to let her be the first one to speak but he couldn't help himself. He didn't sound angry, only hurt. "We could have figured it out together."

"Tell you?" Hailey was confused.

"That you're pregnant. Unless…"

Hailey breathed in sharply. It hadn't occurred to her that even if she was, before the explosion, she still could be now, not after all her body had been through. The news shouldn't have shocked her, but it did. And it felt strange that Adam would learn this before she did.

"I didn't know" she said in a whisper. She couldn't look at Adam. "Not for sure." Adam reached over and touched her face, forcing her to face him. "You're the only one, I swear" she said, and hoped he believed her. "I was going to talk to you when I'd found out, I was just passing the Planned Parenthood office and went in on a whim. I wanted to know my options. I never would have... done that, not without talking to you first. I promise."

Her voice rose and so did her heart rate. The monitor beside her beeped a warning.

"Hey hey, it's alright. Shh." Adam stroke her cheek, begging her silently to calm down, fearful that she might do more damage to her fragile body if she became too agitated.

Hailey closed her eyes. She brought her hand to her face and covered her eyes. "It wasn't meant to be like this. Does everyone know?"

"About the baby or about us?" Adam asked.

Hailey's eyes were still shut. "Both."

"The team know about us. I'm sorry, I know you wanted to keep it quiet. But when news came through about what happened and Platt came upstairs to tell us you were involved, I was beside myself. I couldn't hide how worried I was. Voight was suspicious anyway, he wasn't surprised. I don't know about the others, what they thought wasn't my concern right then, I just had to get to you."

He wiped his forehead with the sleeve of his shirt and ran his hand through his hair. "About the baby? Just Jay. We were with you when a resident came to do rounds and let it slip that an OBGYN was coming to assess you. He thought we already knew. Don't worry, I gave him a piece of my mind about patient confidentiality. I think I scared him pretty bad."

Hailey would never let Adam know this, but she was secretly pleased he was defending her honour. She didn't know when this happened, when she began to care so much about him and about what he thought, the feelings just crept up on her. It was supposed to be a bit of fun, just sex, no strings. But their relationship, or whatever label they wanted to use to describe what they had, morphed into something more without either of them noticing.

Hailey began to cry and Adam kissed her cheek, her salty tears touching his lips.

"It's such a mess" she said. "I'm sorry."

"Stop apologising" he said firmly. "It's not your fault. Not alone, anyway. These things happen. We'll figure it out. I'm here for you."

There was a knock at the door. Adam instinctively jumped away from Hailey when Voight's head appeared round the side of the door. It was pointless now that everybody knew, but he couldn't help it.

"I heard you were awake. Good to see you Hailey" he said, smiling at Upton in the gruff way of his, ignoring Adam's unease. "You'll be pleased to know we caught the guy who planted the bomb. The son of a bitch made it pretty easy for us, boasting all over social media about what he'd done."

Voight came all the way into Hailey's room, and Jay followed him in. "He was just some idiot kid sprouting right-wing pro-life propaganda." Jay let out an ironic laugh. "Pro-life? When you've just murdered four people? What a joke." His anger was palpable but he tried to keep a lid on it. He clenched and unclenched his fists, a tactic she'd seen him use before to try and calm himself down. Hailey knew Jay well enough to know he'd rather punch a wall instead.

"Thanks for having my back partner" she said. Jay instantly relaxed. Hailey wanted to give him a hug, but there would be time for that later. A hug and some tequila.

Adam stared wide eyed at Jay. With Voight in the room he didn't want him to inadvertently disclose the secret that wasn't yet common knowledge. But if Voight suspected anything about why Hailey had been in the wrong place at the wrong time, he was tactful enough to keep it to himself and respectful enough not to pry.

"The rest of the team are on their way" Hank said. He placed a hand on Hailey's shoulder. "They can't wait to see you, I don't think I could keep them away if I tried. But if you need to sleep, I can do my best."

Hailey shook her head. "I've been sleeping for days, Serge. I want to see them."

A while later, every member of Intelligence as well as Sergeant Platt had piled into Hailey's side room under strict instructions from the senior nurse to keep it brief and stress-free. Hailey hugged each of her colleagues in turn. It hurt, her whole body felt like one giant bruise, but she was filled with affection for all of them. She felt lucky to have them, she hadn't quite realised how lucky she was until now.

As they all chatted and wished her well, Hailey couldn't help but watch Kim. She was warm with her and just as happy to see that she was ok as everyone else, but she held back and Hailey was acutely aware of Adam gripping her hand. Everybody left, Hailey had to practically bully Adam into leaving the room, he was so reluctant to leave her. But she called to Kim from the doorway and she turned around.

"Can we talk?"

Burgess closed the door slowly and the two women were alone.

"Listen, I know you and Adam have history, it must have been weird for you to find out about us. I'm sorry if it hurt you, it wasn't my intention. I don't want him to come between us."

Kim sat down on the end of the bed and smiled what she hoped was a reassuring and friendly smile. "Please, it's fine. We were over a long time ago. It was a bit of a shock, I won't lie, but it's none of my business anymore. Truly."

Hailey wasn't so sure Kim would be saying the same if she learned about the secret they were hiding, but she kept quiet.

"He's a good guy" Kim continued. "Adam. He's loyal, and he has a good heart. He's barely left the hospital since you came in." Kim sighed and glanced out the window, gathering her thoughts. Hailey could only imagine what she was thinking, but then Kim spoke and she didn't need to imagine anymore. "When I was shot, he wouldn't leave my side either. He jokes around a lot, too much sometimes, but he feels things deeply. He has many flaws, God knows, but when he's in, he's all in, you know?"

Hailey nodded, but she didn't know that, not yet. She hadn't really known Adam for long enough to know all these things about him, not the way Kim did. But Hailey had a feeling she would learn if this particular one was true very soon, if his promise to be there for her was genuine.

"Thank you Kim" Hailey said. She felt exhausted and she blinked to try and stay awake.

"I'll leave you alone" Kim said. She stood up. Before she left she turned back to Hailey. "Hailey, we're okay, I promise. Whatever happens, we're cool."

After Kim had left, Hailey slept. When she woke up it was dark outside and once again Adam was sitting beside her bed when she opened her eyes. But this time, he wasn't asleep. "What time is it?" she asked, yawning. "You should go home, you don't have to stay with me all night."

Adam looked at his watch but shrugged. "It's late. But time is meaningless in this place. I'm not tired, I want to be here."

"We should talk. There's no point putting it off."

Adam nodded. He looked like he would prefer to put it off, but if Hailey wanted to get her feelings about the situation off her chest, he wouldn't stop her.

"I don't want a baby, Adam" Hailey said. "I don't want to hurt you, I'm just being honest. But it's important you believe me when I say I never would have had an abortion behind your back. Never."

Hailey was close to tears again. Her face twisted in anguish as she searched Adam's face for any clue to his thoughts. "I know" he said quickly. He meant it. Seeing her cry was what hurt him the most, as well as the thought that she doubted his trust in her. "Whatever you decide I'll be here for you."

"What do you want?" It was a loaded question. A lot rested on the answer. "We've always been upfront with each other, it's more important than ever that we keep it that way, this is too important. I need to know what you feel."

"It wouldn't be ideal, would it? Having a kid." Adam smiled a reassuring smile but looked at the floor. He loved children, he loved his nephew, and he knew for certain that he wanted to be a father one day. But if he was honest with himself, he wasn't ready either. But it was hard to admit, and he needed a moment.

"I believe that if you bring a child into the world, you better be ready to put them first above all things." Hailey's voice took on a determination he hadn't seen in her outside of the job. "My parents didn't for me and it messed me up. I couldn't do that to somebody."

A very very small part of Adam wanted to say that if they really tried, they could make it work. He saw a glimmer of what his life could be if this moment went a different way, but he knew he'd lose Hailey for good if he voiced his thoughts aloud and he couldn't bare that. Instead he took her hand and squeezed it firmly. "We're on the same page."

That moment was what made Hailey's tears start to fall. She thought back to what Kim had said about Adam and it filled her with an emotion she couldn't hold in. She had made her decision and she knew it was the right one, but it didn't make it any easier. Adam sat down on the edge of the bed and she scooted over to make room. He swung his legs up onto the bed and put his arm around her, careful not to hurt her. Hailey was reminded of that first night this love affair started, after Jay was shot and she'd needed a shoulder to cry on. Since then Adam had come to be the shoulder she needed the most. She buried her face in his sweater and let him hold her.

When the doctor came around the next day, Hailey told him her decision to end her pregnancy before she could stop herself. There was an underlying panic in her voice when she told him she wanted it all to be over as soon as possible. She was afraid that if she waited any longer she would change her mind and she didn't want that. She knew it the right decision for her, but she didn't know if she was strong enough to see it through.

He smiled in understanding but shook his head. "I understand but you have to wait. It's too risky to have a termination now. If anything goes wrong, I don't think your body could cope with any more blood loss."

Hailey understood but she didn't want to wait. Adam felt her body tense.

"There's counselling to go through first, right Doc? Can we start that and when she's well enough…" Adam looked at Hailey to make sure he wasn't overstepping and speaking out of turn, but she looked relieved that he'd asked the question so she didn't have to.

The doctor looked at Hailey. "Is that what you want?" he asked wearily. She saw the hesitation in his body language, in the way he glanced quickly at Adam, and imagined he was worried that Adam was pressuring her. If anything, she was pressuring him. Adam's chivalry and willingness to support her would overshadow any of his own feelings on the matter, and Hailey knew he'd never make her do anything she didn't want to do.

"It's my decision" she said calmly.

The doctor's shoulders relaxed. "Ok. I'll have someone come down to talk to you."

It was a relief for Hailey, to set the wheels in motion and to know that Adam was in her corner. But still she worried. She had never been one to care much about what other people thought, at least not outwardly, but she voiced her concern to Adam a few days later. "What will people think?" she asked in a moment of vulnerability.

"No one has to know" Adam replied. "It's no one's business. You've had brain surgery, you'll have to take it easy anyway, no one will think anything of it if you take an extra week off work."

"What about Jay?"

Adam held her tighter, his arm slung around her shoulders. "Come on, Jay won't judge you, and he won't tell anyone, I'm sure of it. Aren't you?"

Hailey shrugged. She was too tired and doped up on pain medication, it was clouding her judgement. Jay had never given her reason to doubt him, not really, but she was doubting herself and it was manifesting itself as paranoia.

Adam kissed her on the temple. "I think you should try to rest" he said, sensing that she wasn't thinking straight. "I'll let you sleep."

Hailey smiled and poked him playfully. "Ok. But only if you take your own advice and go home and sleep yourself. I'll still be here." She kind of wanted to be alone, she hadn't been for more than ten minutes since she woke up. As much as she trusted Adam, she was afraid to rely on him too much. She needed to know that she could be strong on her own.

The morning Hailey was discharged and Adam drove her home, she felt more nauseous than she could ever remember feeling before, but whether that was due to anxiety or morning sickness she didn't know. Adam helped her from the car and up the stairs, practically carrying her the last few steps to her bedroom. She was weak, not having moved from her hospital bed for over a week, and drowsy from painkillers. He helped her into her pyjamas and tucked her up in bed. He stayed with her, being wonderfully attentive, bringing her tea which she couldn't keep down and holding her hair while she vomited into a bowl.

The carefree, playful report they had previously enjoyed was well and truly gone. But in its place was a new intimacy. It wasn't entirely unwelcome, despite the distinctly unsexy nature of their new dynamic. Back when she first suspected something was wrong, when she glanced at the calendar which hung in her kitchen and realised that she was late, she was sure that it would be over with Adam. They'd had fun, in their secretive bubble filled with beer, sex and laughter, but she felt then, before the explosion, that that had come to an end with this looming revelation.

Now Hailey wasn't so sure. And she didn't know how to feel about that. She'd said aloud often that she wanted to keep things casual, that she didn't date people she worked with, it was too complicated and bound to end in heartbreak. Hailey still believed all those things deep down, but it was hard to remember that when she was in Adam's arms. She felt safe and cared for and didn't want to let whatever they had go. She decided not to think too deeply about what any of this meant. Hailey didn't know what would happen in the future, but she didn't want to do what she always did with guys, pushing them away before they pushed her away and damaging any chance at happiness she got. She felt good when she was with Adam. That was enough.

She got an appointment at the clinic two days after she left hospital. Adam drove across the city and she sat in the passenger seat, staring out of the window. After he parked the car and turned off the radio, they sat for a while in silence, holding hands over the gearstick. "Are you ready?" Adam asked eventually, gently, afraid in case he was pushing her into this.

She turned her head to look at him and nodded resolutely. She wished this hadn't happened. Or, as terrible as it sounded, she wished nature had taken care of this problem for her when she was caught in the explosion, before she knew she was pregnant. Then she wouldn't have to choose, and she wouldn't have even known for certain whether she ever had been pregnant.

Adam came in with her but she wouldn't let him in the room. That was a step that she wasn't ready for. To see her at her most vulnerable emotionally. As supported in her decision as she felt, it was still ultimately her choice. It was her body after all, and she would have to shoulder the guilt for the rest of her life. For as sure as she was that this was the right decision, she realised that a small piece of her would always wonder what could have been.

Afterwards Adam was awkward with her. Just as caring as before, but with an added nervousness that he would do something to upset her. Eventually Hailey couldn't take it anymore. "Come here" she said and patted the bed next to her.

Adam sat down. "How are you feeling?"

Hailey turned to face him. "I'm sore, and tired, but I'm fine. Really. Please stop tip-toeing around me, I can't handle it, not from you." Adam looked unsure, and looked for any sign on Hailey's face that she was hiding her true feelings. When he found none, he relaxed a little and put an arm around her.

"No regrets?" he asked.

"No regrets."

Adam leant back into the pile of pillows behind them on Hailey's bed, and looked up at the ceiling in relief. "I keep expecting you to turn around and tell me this is over" he said.

Hailey tensed. "Do you want it to be?"

Adam looked at her, snapping his head around quickly. "No, definitely not. There was a very real moment not so long ago when I thought you might die. I realised that my feelings for you went way beyond casual hook-ups between friends. It's just, you said…"

"I know what I said" Hailey said, but it sounded more defensive than she meant it to. "Look, I suck at commitment, I've sabotaged every relationship I've ever had and I can be a pain in the ass to be around. But I like you, Adam. I don't know what that means yet, and if you want to find out you'll have to be patient with me. Can you do that? Because I want to put this behind us." She relaxed into his warm embrace and curled her body into a ball by his side. "This thing happened, and now it's over and I want to move on. But I want to move on with you."

"Yes" Adam said. "I can be patient. One day at a time?"

Hailey nodded. It was uncharted territory, this new feeling between them. It wasn't love, not yet, but the possibility hug out ahead like a guiding light in the distance. They would move towards it together, slowly. They might reach it, they might not, but Hailey was willing to try. She lay her head on Adam's chest and breathed deeply.

"One day at a time."


End file.
